(i’m not looking to heal)

(i’m not looking to heal)

i'm not looking to heal
from your death
from being ripped to shreds
when we said
goodbye

i’m not looking to heal
because i carry the grief
the hurt of missing you
regardless

but if i'm merely shreds of a human being
i can't carry
much more than that

and i want to carry so much more than that

i want to carry the love, the memories
your favorite toy, torn to shreds
your old collar, faded and worn
i want to carry myself as i retrace your favorite places
all without crumpling under the weight of grief upon my back
without you at my side
giving me that one look that used to banish my pain in an instant

in other words
i’m not looking to heal
for me
i’m determined to heal
for you

and i can’t see you now
giving me that one look…
but i feel it
every day

so, no, i’m not looking to heal

i’m simply looking to you.

@paige.thepoet